Heteropessimism

Context

In India, a recent example of heteropessimism is men trending #MarriageStrike on Twitter when the Delhi HC was hearing a plea to criminalise marital rape.

About Heteropessimism

• Heteropessimism can be defined as public declarations of dissatisfaction with heterosexual relationships, by people who continue to be in those relationships.
• The term was coined in 2019 by American gender theorist, who described it thus: “Heteropessimism consists of performative disaffiliations with heterosexuality, usually expressed in the form of regret, embarrassment, or hopelessness about straight experience.”
• That these disaffiliations are “performative” does not mean that they are insincere but rather that they are rarely accompanied by the actual abandonment of heterosexuality.”
  
  

What causes heteropessimism?

• The realisation for heterosexual people that dating is really hard (and in many cases, violent or even fatal), and the hard-won prize of marriage is not what it was touted to be, can lead to disillusionment from romantic relationships.
• The disillusionment works at two levels – the simple realisation that the first flush of romance does not last, and the deeper, structural problems of heterosexual relationships, which stem from patriarchy, gender inequality, an unfair burden of housework on women, and the pressure of ‘provider and protector’ roles on men.
• In this respect, heteropessimism serves as anesthesia – it numbs you to the actual pain of unfulfilling relationships.
• heteropessimism: “Its structure is anticipatory, designed to preemptively anesthetise the heart against the pervasive awfulness of heterosexual culture as well as the sharp plunge of quotidian romantic pain.”
• Put more simply, for women, heartbreak hurts, and institutionalised patriarchy hurts more. 
• For men, heartbreak hurts, and being cheated of what you thought was your entitlement hurts more. 
• Together, it can lead you to believe that heterosexual relationships are a doomed project not designed for meaningful felicity. 
• And yet, you don’t walk away from it, either because you can’t imagine other feasible options, or because you crave the safety of being considered ‘normal’.